Multiple Me: Vocations and Callings

*So the following post is one that appeared on a second blog I started, forgot about and never continued.  It was destined to be something a little more personal where I really articulated what I was going on inside my head and my heart.  But since I am in the process of closing a lot of unused and unnecessary accounts I thought I would move the few posts from that blog onto here.*

Sunday, 24th January 2016

Dear Future Husband,

Ever since I was a teenager I envisioned countless futures for myself, some which included lavish lifestyles, complex careers and some far fetched fantasy's.  But one thing I could never quite see or feel was where God was calling me and I guess this could attribute to my indecisiveness.  As time went on my peers began to concrete long term goals, university courses and their lives began moving down their desired path very, very fast.  I still didn't know where I was being called, and I wasn't entirely sure what path I should be taking in the meantime.  So I decided to speed up the process, just like tying some string around a tooth when it's wobbly, because sometimes waiting is just way too inconvenient.

I began to ask a lot of questions, and explore the 3 vocations applicable to me, hoping that it would just click.  Throughout this time, which spanned over a couple or years I heard stories of peoples lives which had completely changed, from party girl to nun, from engaged man to priest; and that scared me.  I liked my life how it was, and the fact that the plan God had for me might change that was daunting, but I knew that without completely surrendering myself and every single ideal future to him, I would not be able to hear his calling.  This took time, praying for guidance and clarity every chance I got.

Now, It never came to me with a flash of brilliant light, nor did a booming voice call down from the heavens; but I just began to feel it; not all at once, but gradually.  It wasn't like the time where I would see a sister in a habit and think to myself with a beating heart "is this God calling me to the religious life?" and then contemplating it for the following couple of days, nor was it like the time where I reflected on my relationship history and thinking to myself "is this God calling me to the single life?"  It bought upon me a kind of peace, the kind you get when something is resolved, recovered or replenished.

A couple of months ago I was doubting what my future vocation was, not ruling out any nor choosing the one I found most desirable.  Now, I am sitting here writing a letter to the man (you) that I will discern marriage with.  So this is how God has led me to you, maybe not in person, but certainly in love, thought and prayer.